The Wrong Choices

It never ceases to amaze me how society refuses to make batterers accountable for their actions. Instead of asking, why doesn’t she just leave him? shouldn’t we be asking, why doesn’t he stop hitting her? Do we even bother to think that once she leaves him, he’ll find another punching bag? Wouldn’t it be smarter, then, to stop HIS behavior rather than HERS? (Since we never ask, why doesn’t he just leave her, I’m purposely choosing to use these gender pronouns.) 

If our current approach worked, that is, women left their abuser *safely* (because the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves), what would all these batterers do with their time? Would they abuse their boss, their bartender, their friends? I don’t think so. What would society do with these men who’ve lost their punching bags? I think they’ll always find women…even if they have to pay for it, so the problem would never go away.  

Instead of asking her to leave (and think she’ s “stupid” if she doesn’t), why don’t we start asking, why does he abuse her and what can we do to prevent or stop his behavior?

Well, that, to me, sounds like the most rational approach, however, the judge in this article, Lexington Mother of 6 gets 5 years for killing husband, believes the woman is to blame for all her wrong choices in life:

There was rarely a day when Sandra G. Lubben’s family saw her without a black eye.

She endured physical and mental abuse from her husband, David Lubben, because she was scared of what would happen if she reported the violence.

The Lexington mother of six was trapped in an abusive relationship from which she could not escape, her defense attorney said Thursday.

But a circuit court judge said Lubben, 40, made poor choices and would have to face consequences for the final decision she made in her marriage.

And finally:

Goodwine said Lubben made some bad choices, the first being to marry David Lubben after he had shown a history of violence toward her.

“I think other choices should have been made that day. If not that day, the day before,” Goodwine said.

So the judge berates this battered woman for the choices she made in marrying this guy and ignores the choices he made of abusing her on an almost daily basis.  I suppose violent men come with a sign on their foreheads, then? The only telltale signs that we know of are jealousy and controlling behavior. These are traits that are easily confused by many people with love, insecurity and inflexibility. Surely, we don’t believe someone we can be attracted to, someone who has a few “flaws,” would be capable of punching, kicking or throwing a woman down the stairs, do we? If we had a glass ball or a sixth sense for sniffing out potentially abusive men, perhaps we would make better choices, but since we don’t come with such super powers, I think we’d better stick to the abusive behavior, shall we?  

Violence is a CHOICE, afterall, that people make, so let’s blame batterers for choicing violence. Batterers are virtually ignored by the justice system (he seems like a charming man, to me), the media (he was a “nice guy” that “snapped”) and society (“she deserved it”). Until we see violence as a choice and women as an easy target, we will continue on our present track: women are blamed for their “choices,” women are punished for “failure to protect” their children, batterers are not held accountable, men’s homicide rate is declining and women’s remains the same or increases. 

Put the blame where it belongs:  on those that CHOOSE violence not on those who are victims to it.


3 comments on “The Wrong Choices

  1. Rj says:

    Check this out (

    You’re in the midst of your divorce case. She claims you work too much and you’re not involved in the children’s lives, and therefore, she deserves primary custody. You have pled for a joint custody arrangement. How do you prove or disprove those kinds of allegations? Isn’t family law litigation a mostly he said/she said endeavor?

    Not necessarily! One of the best ways to make your case, or disprove her case, is by utilizing collateral sources.

    You will want to find as many objective facts that you can to help back up your side of the story to make your case more credible to the Judge. The more independent facts and witnesses that you can use to prove your case increases the likelihood that you will have a more favorable outcome to your litigation.

    Let’s take the example above, and let me show you how you can use collateral sources to help you disprove an allegation.

    One source I would try to utilize is your neighbors. They do not have the same bias as a family member would have – their only connection to you is that they happen to live on your same street. Can they testify as to the time they see you leave the house and the time you return? Is it you or your wife always outside playing with the kids or barbequing dinner? Is it you or your wife who is always shuttling the kids around to school, after school activities, etc.? This kind of testimony would be tremendously useful in Court given the unbiased nature of the testifying party.

    The neighbors, huh? LMAO

  2. Melissa says:

    When a man murders his wife they always interview Shocked Neighbors(tm) about how he was such a nice guy and a great father (yeah right).

    I’ve got news for ya neighbors; Smiling at everyone does NOT make good person.

  3. Rj says:

    I think they’ll always find women…even if they have to pay for it, so the problem would never go away.

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